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Summary: Gary Chapman's Anger
Comment: Chapman begins his book by defining anger. He states it is "a response to some event or situation in life that causes us irritation, frustration, pain, other displeasure." Chapman continues:
"Anger is fed by feelings of disappointment, hurt, rejection, and embarrassment. Anger pits you against the person, place, or thing that sparked the emotion. It is the opposite of the feeling of love. Love draws you toward the person; anger sets you against the person."
Chapman also establishes, early in the book, that not all anger is bad. In fact, Chapman asserts, it is the proper reaction to injustice and evil. Chapman writes:
"...each of us has on some level a concern for righteousness, fairness, and justice. Whenever we encounter that which we believe to be unrighteous, unkind, or unjust, we experience anger. I believe that in God's design this anger is to motivate us to take positive, loving action to seek to set the wrong right; and where there has been a relationship, to restore the relationship with the wrongdoer."
Chapman is careful to add that this does not give us license to "do destructive things" or to hurt those who wronged us. Rather he is merely explaining that anger "originates in the perception that something is wrong."
Chapman then makes a key distinction between two different types of anger: definitive and distorted. Definitive anger is when we've been wronged and are angry for good reason. If someone cheats us in a business deal, pokes us in the eye with a sharp stick for no good reason or lobs live hand grenades at our vehicle while we're driving home from work we would probably be angry - and for good reason! These are all examples of definitive anger and are valid reasons for getting angry. However, distorted anger is when our anger is "triggered by a mere disappointment, an unfulfilled desire, a frustrated effort, a bad mood, or any number of things that have nothing to with any moral transgression." When we are experiencing anger of this sort, Chapman says, it is not valid.
Chapman then delves into the meat of the book: how to handle these differing types of anger. Chapman prescribes two different ways of handling anger: one way each for definitive anger and distorted anger. When handling good, or valid, anger, Dr. Chapman offers five tips:
1)Consciously acknowledge to yourself you are angry;
2)Restrain your immediate response - Avoid the common but destructive responses of verbal or physical venting or their opposite, withdrawal and silence;
3)Locate the focus of your anger - Identify the words or actions of the other person that have made you angry;
4)Analyze your options - Ask yourself: Does the action I am considering have any potential for dealing with the wrong and helping the relationship?;
5)Take constructive action - If you choose to "let the offense go," then, in prayer, confess your anger and your willingness to turn the person over to God. Then release your anger to Him. If you choose to confront the person who has wronged you, do so gently.
However, Chapman writes, dealing with distorted anger warrants a different approach. Because distorted anger usually stems from misunderstandings and poor communication, Chapman recommends this four-step process when handling distorted anger:
1)Share information - Tell the other party your concerns and talk about it.
2)Gather information - What are the facts?
3)Negotiate understanding - Express your struggles; listen.
4)Request change - Do not demand or manipulate.
Other chapters in the book deal with more specific types of anger including anger directed at your spouse, children, yourself and God and several chapters dealing with forgiveness.
One thing I learned from this book is that anger is also internal; not merely external. Yes, sometimes anger does express itself in external ways but, by the same token, anger can be just as harmful when it is internalized and allowed to fester in one's heart. Chapman writes, "I have also heard more than one wife say, `I hate my husband,' and I've heard husbands express the same about their wives. Without exception, hatred does not develop overnight. Hatred is the result of internalized anger that remains planted in the heart of the individual."
Another thing I found extremely helpful was Chapman's idea that it is never good to express anger in unhealthy ways, regardless of where it's directed. For instance, I previously thought it was good to work out anger on a pillow or a punching bag, thinking I was venting in a healthy way since I was releasing my anger on an inanimate object that could not feel pain. Chapman believes, however, that such behavior only trains one's self to grow accustomed to expressing anger through an unhealthy and explosive manner. He asserts:
"Some years ago it was popular in certain psychological circles to believe that releasing anger by aggressive behavior could be a positive way of processing anger if the aggression was not toward a person. Thus, angry people were encouraged to beat pillows, punching bags, and dolls or to take their aggression out on a golf ball. However, almost all research now indicates that the venting of angry feelings with such aggressive behaviors does not drain a person's anger but actually makes the person more likely to be explosive in the future. Explosion, whether verbal or physical, is not an acceptable way of handling one's anger."
In Anger, Chapman offers practical advice for dealing with anger in constructive, healthy ways that draws heavily on his years of experience as a professional counselor. For anyone who struggles with a quick temper or short fuse, like I do, or anyone who internalizes their anger leading to feelings of bitterness and resentment, I believe this book is a good place to start to begin to change these unhealthy and destructive actions and behaviors. Throughout Anger Chapman does a good job of explaining why the Biblical method for handling anger and forgiveness is the healthiest and most effective way of dealing with this powerful emotion.
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Summary: Disappointed
Comment: I absolutely enjoyed "the five love languages" and thought it was very profound. This book however was not nearly as good. For the first 72 pages, Chapman made a great biblical case for anger and distinguishing between two types of anger. On page 72, Chapman says (I'm paraphrasing) people are generally open to hearing how they have hurt you if their lovetank is full. Although I agree, that is one heck of an assumption to make. Especially since most people have empty or low love tanks. Also, Chapman leaves too much room for people to stay angry by letting them know that bad memories may still continue. This is true but Chapman doesn't explain how dwelling on this bad memories is sinful and can do further damage to relationships even when the offender has repented. I will not recommend this book to anyone but I will continue to recommend "the five love languages" to everyone.
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Summary: Great Book on Anger
Comment: This was the first Gary Chapman book that I read. It is wonderful to say the least. It gives very effective tools for managing anger in a positive and healthy manner. The book also helps you to first locate the source of the anger and act accordingly. I think that this book is useful for everyone, even if they don't have an anger "issue". I am now hooked on Gary Chapman and plan to continue to read his books. On another note, yes his books are Christian based, but don't let that stop you from getting some great tools and information to better your life.
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Summary: Great help
Comment: Dr. Gary is awesome! He has helped me to evolve and introduced me to my walk with God. I will read anything he signs his name to. Highly recommended.
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Summary: angr
Comment: Bought two of these as gifts and was told by both parties that they were very good.
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